🕵️‍♂️ The Worst Ref in the Game (a.k.a. My Nemesis)

A Confidential Profile Leaked by Yours Truly

🗂️ WHISTLE DIARIES INTEL REPORT
CLASSIFIED: INTERNAL USE ONLY
SUBJECT: REFEREE #0023
ALIAS: “The Phantom Whistle”
CHARGE-TO-BLOCK RATIO: 92:1
THREAT LEVEL: EXCESSIVE

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📍KNOWN OFFENSES:
— Explains calls to players like he’s auditioning for TEDx
— Wears cologne to games
— Apologized to a mascot once
— Once gave a coach three warnings before an ejection. THREE.
— Makes eye contact during the jump ball like it’s a trust exercise

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📉 REPUTATION:

• Popular with fans
• Trusted by broadcasters
• “The ref who brings balance to the game”
  I bring justice.
  He brings customer service.

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🧠 PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE:

• Smile percentage: High
• Ego level: Moderate
• Replay usage: Abusive
• Spiritual alignment: Neutral Good (suspected)

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🕰️ SHARED HISTORY:

• We met at a junior college ref camp.
  He brought his own whistle holster.
  I brought my presence.
  They gave him the speaker slot.
• At the annual rulebook symposium, I was mid-hand raise for a question.
  He stood up and asked it first.
  I still hear the applause in my sleep.

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💥 STRIKE THREE:
He once beat me to a technical foul…
On my court.
I reached for the whistle…
He was already mid-blow, like he read my mind.

That was the moment I knew…
He had to go.

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👁️ CLOSING CONFESSION:
I watch his games.
I critique him anonymously on message boards.
Sometimes I print out his missed calls and highlight them like a scout.

I’m not jealous.
I’m motivated.

There can only be one undisputed whistle.
And it’s mine.